One Tearful Christmas

Lisa J

Chapter Five

'Have yourself a merry little Christmas.... Let your love light shine....'

Snuggled up on the couch in her bathrobe, Cassy's gaze remained fixed on the twinkling lights of the tree, tears flowing freely as Christmas carols played softly behind her.  Despite her best efforts, she couldn't seem to stop crying, even though she knew it was childish.  Her father had been gone nearly twenty-five years, yet for some reason, this year she missed him more than ever before.

The Christmas season always held a melancholy note for her, simply because it had been his holiday; the one time of year he seemed truly content.  But this Christmas, those emotions reigned constant, as if she were mourning him all over again.  She guessed those feelings rose to the surface mostly out of sympathy for the victims of the recent terrorist attacks.  Just thinking about all those fatherless children brought to mind her own loss from so long ago.

'I'll have a blue Christmas without you....'  

It didn't matter what song was played on the radio, her tears flowed anew with the memories of each and every one as she heard it.  She imagined her dad's silly Elvis Presley impression, or the Bing Crosby voice he used to sing along with The Little Drummer Boy.  No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't break free from the past.

A loud knock on her front door suddenly pulled her thoughts into order, wondering who would be visiting so early on Christmas morning.  For a moment she considered not even answering, ashamed to be seen in such a state.  But another sharp knock soon followed the first, putting a swift halt to that notion.

"Cassy, are you in there?"  Tom's worried voice floated through the thick door.  "Is everything all right?"

"I'm fine, Sir Galahad," she muttered as she pulled open the door.  "What are you doing here?"

"I was planning to ask you the same thing."  Taking note of her tears, he once again pulled her into his arms to comfort her.  "You're not supposed to be home alone, crying on Christmas.  How come you're not in Miami?"

"I just couldn't do it this year, Tom."  Breaking free from the embrace, she shuffled back to the couch, tucking her feet beneath her as she grabbed a fresh wad of Kleenex from the box.  "I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just couldn't face my family this year.  Not without...."

"You're missing your dad," he stated sadly.

"Twenty-odd years after the fact."  She sighed, "Pretty silly, huh?"

"Not at all."  Taking his own seat beside her, Tom pulled her hand into his, gently kneading the tendons and muscles to help ease her tension.

"I'm missing my dad something awful this year," he commiserated, "and I just saw him last spring.  I think it has something to do with all those firefighters being lost; makes me appreciate him all the more for retiring safely."

"Yeah, that's part of what's up with me, too, I think."  While her hand was massaged between his two larger ones, Cassy felt herself slowly begin to relax.  It was nice to know he understood what she was feeling without laughing or making fun of her emotions.  "My dad wasn't a cop or firefighter, but he was still a hero to me."

"Did you ever see him again after your parents' divorce?"

"They were never divorced, not officially....

<>

Long after her sisters were asleep, Cassy liked to sneak out of bed to watch the twinkling Christmas tree lights glittering by the firelight in the otherwise darkened living room.  Oblivious to her lurking presence, her parents would often snuggle up on the couch, sharing a nightcap while staring into the fireplace much the way her eyes were glued to the tree.  Normally, they had Christmas carols playing on the Hi-Fi, but on that night the room was silent, save for their two ominous voices.

"Have you decided what you're going to tell the children?"

"Actually, I was hoping you might change your mind, so I could deliver good news rather than bad, " her father sighed.  "I can't spoil their Christmas that way, Evelyn."

"And I can't uproot my family to go off to Saudi Arabia.  I think it's unfair that you even expect us to go there."

"I expect it because you're my family.  Besides, it's only for two years.  When the project is finished--"

"Two years of raising my children alone in some Godforsaken country where they don't even speak English."

"You won't be alone--"

"That's what you said when you moved us to Florida.  Let's face it, Robert, you're married to your work, not me.  Those girls are my life now, and I think as young as they are, it's best that they stay here."

"So, what do you propose then, a divorce?"

"If that's what you want, but a simple separation until you decide what's important would suit me just fine," Evelyn explained.  "I love you, Robert. I always have, but my daughters come first now."

"What about Cassy?  Maybe she could come with me and the younger girls stay here.  She's old enough--"

"She's not old enough to raise herself, and you know as well as I that you simply don't have time in your life to be a parent."  Standing from the couch, she put her glass on the table and turned to her husband.  "You tell them whatever you want, but my girls won't be leaving the country... and neither will I."

Leaving him sitting speechless, she hurried out of the room, her damp eyes meeting Cassy's as she stood numb in the hallway.

<> 

 Something passed between Cassy and her mother that night, and their relationship never quite recovered from the blow.  Whether Evelyn thought Cassy resented her for sending her father away, or because she resented Cassy for being his first choice to take with him, Cassy never knew.  Either way, the mother-daughter bond was severed between them, and despite the many years that had passed, the two had never repaired their relationship; nor was it likely that they ever would.

"Your dad died of a heart attack, right?"

"Uh-huh."  Cassy nodded through fresh tears.  "He was pushing his crew to get an oil field job finished in time for the holidays.  He said he was going to come home...."

"I'm sorry, Cass," Tom crooned as he held her while she sobbed.  "I know how much you miss him."

"He shouldn't have died.  If he'd been near a hospital....  If he weren't out in the middle of the desert...."

"It was his choice, though, Cassy.  That was what he wanted."

"I know."  She sat up and wiped at her tears.  "But I said some awful things to my mom afterward.  I told her it was her fault for not making him stay with us; that she made him die because she didn't love him enough."

"I'm sure she knew you didn't really mean it."

 "She shipped me off to my grandmother's, didn't she?  I'm pretty sure she knew that I meant it.  Back then I did, anyway."

"Well, that goes a long way toward helping me understand why she's so bitter," Tom chuckled.

"Oh, and don't even get me started about the bracelet."  Cassy laughed as she rolled her eyes toward the ceiling.

"Hey, that reminds me.  The reason I came by in the first place was to drop off your gift.  It kind of caught me by surprise to actually find you at home."

"Yeah, it caught my mom by surprise, too, when I told her I wasn't going to attend family Christmas this year."

"Your prerogative," he smirked as he reached into his pocket to pull out a rectangular box.  "Here, open your present."

Doing as she was told, she pulled the top off of the box, and her eyes filled with tears all over again when she saw what he'd bought her.  "Oh, my....  Tom, how did you know?"

"Know?  I was clueless until Santa steered me in the right direction."  Taking the bracelet from her grasp, he fastened it around her wrist, grinning crookedly.  "I still wasn't sure if I should trust him, but this just seemed to have your name written all over it." 

He started to laugh but suddenly stopped short.  "Whoa, wait, they screwed it up!  Aw, Cass, I'm sorry.  I asked them to engrave Cassy, not--"

"Cassy Lynn," she sighed as she fingered the dangling heart charm attached to the nameplate.  "Oh, Tom.  It's perfect."

"You're sure you like it?  It's not too juvenile?  It looks like those cheap bracelets from the seventies, but with a little more class... and a lot more carats."

"I love it.  Thank you," she beamed, pulling her misty eyes from her treasure long enough to retrieve his gift from under the tree.  "Now, open yours."

As they spent the rest of the morning together laughing and sharing stories, Cassy noted that Tom seemed brighter for having her company to share on that Christmas.  Watching his gaze grow melancholy when he talked of his family, as well as his own past holiday gifts and disasters, she realized a person didn't have to lose a loved one to be lonely at Christmas. 

She knew Tom was missing his family terribly that year, and somehow, by having her own emotional crisis, she provided that familial net to make him to feel needed; not quite so alone, after all.  That's what the holiday really was all about, she decided; gathering with loved ones in His honor.  Whether bound by blood, romance or simply friendship, Christmas was a time to share joy with those whom you cherish; either in body or in spirit, if need be.

When she waved her smiling partner off for the day, she closed the door softly behind him, hearing a soft, familiar voice carried in with the breeze. ‘Merry Christmas to you, my sweet Cassy Lynn.'

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Daddy," she whispered.  "I love you."

THE END